I planned you. Oh, how I planned you. I dreamt about you everyday, for years. Your little face plastered the walls of my mind. You would have your father’s smile and my eyes, and eyelashes for days.

In my mind, I would hold you tight to me, and you would bury your face in the crook of my neck. I would kiss the top of your head. I imagined every facet of your personality and life. Your laugh filled my dreams.

Every month, I would dream and hope and pray. Every month I would wait. Wait for what I longed for. Some sign that I might meet you someday soon. My little love.

Then every month my body would say, “No, dear. Not just yet.” I would grieve. Oh, how I would grieve. My heart would break in a way I didn’t yet know it could. I thought I had known heartache until then, until I longed for you.

But then I learned a new grief. It’s happened three times now. My body ached and the pain mirrored the grief in my heart, and I knew you had almost made it. I had, for just a moment, had that glimmer of hope. Then you were gone. My little love, and it felt as if my heart had left with you.

My precious darling. Everyday my thoughts wander to you and I pray that I will see you soon. Some sweet day, my sweet love.