There are so many people you encounter in life. Good people. Wise people. Funny people. Morose people. People who are amazing compilations of so many things. Sometimes they are contradictory. Sometimes they are vapid shells of a person that exist solely for immediate comforts. I think some of the most fascinating people are the ones that say they live life with no regrets. Now, I believe that, as humans we have the ability to look back on a regrettable moment and see the merit in it. I believe we can rationalize just about anything. However, it is also my belief that if you really look at a person when they say they have no regrets, if you really look closely, you will see something else.  Their eyes will betray them. It’s just for a fraction of a second. It flashes in the corner of their eyes. Look closely. You’ll see it. The last dying breath of a wish. It passes oh so quickly. Gone before the person even has the chance to process it’s true meaning. They have already begun summon up the endless list of reasons why something was acceptable, or meaningful, or helpful.  Or, and this is my very favorite, defining. We love to call difficult, regrettable moments defining. It means it all happened for a reason. It means there was purpose. This is a survival technique. I realize this. It’s part of how we carry on.

But, suppose for one second that we allowed that spark of a wish to take life. What would happen? We’ve spun a whole genre of entertainment around it. Back to the Future, Peggy Sue got Married, Doctor Who. It is nothing more than a safe way to ask ourselves that very question. Suppose, we could go back and change it all. What are the ramifications of it? Every story has reasons why we can’t. Rifts in the space/ time continuum, changes in existence, set points in time. All answers to the heartbreaking desire to not live with regret. We know it is impossible.

I know, without a doubt in my mind that given the opportunity, I would jump on the chance to go back. I wouldn’t even give it a second thought. December 15, 2000. That is the moment I would go back to. So many things I would do differently. So many things I would relive and savor every last second, because this time around I would really know it was the last. I would enjoy the feel of pulling on a pair of size zero jeans with no difficulty. I would go to my great-grandparent’s house and be woken up far too early by the smell of bacon frying. I would listen to every single word she had to say as we sat on that wooden porch swing as we looked through the rain at the apple orchard. I would ask her the things that mattered, like how do you know when someone really loves you. I wouldn’t count the hours until I could get back home to my boyfriend. I would tell her I love her.  I would talk to my mother and relish in the sound of her voice being strong and assertive. I would take one last walk through my old band room and gym. I would go to one last Friday Night Lights. I would have adventures by myself. I would hold out for someone who adored me. I would say proper goodbyes to people I never got the chance to because I thought there was a tomorrow.

I don’t believe that anyone really lives life without regret. I think that would imply that they never fully felt the pain of a specific moment to begin with. It would imply that they are not human. I can’t truly speak for anyone else. I know this. I guess the truth is that I don’t want  to believe it. I think regret keeps us trying. I think it makes us want to change the future, because in the end we know we can’t change the past. As much as we long to, we can’t. But we can change the future, and isn’t that amazing?